Eulogy for My Husband
Charles Edward Smith Jr.


Farewell my dear heart, I have learned so much from you during the forty years I have known you.
Your childhood was quite different from mine.
You didn't get to play in the snow, or sled down a hill, skate,
or decorate a Christmas tree, or do any of the fun things a child should do.
At the tender age of eight you were holding up your end of a crosscut saw to help your Dad cut wood,
and you had better keep up with your Pa.
There were a few Christmas's spent when you and your brother John had to carry logs from a cold brook,
that was a hard thing to do, but it was your pa's only way of earning a living, (logging).
Your life may have seemed to make your exterior a bit gruff and harsh,
yet underneath it all beat a heart that was kind, soft, and gentle.
Your wife, children, family, and special friends could only recognize that.
You didn't let your guard down very often in front of people, even to me at times.
After awhile I came to realize what a softy you were way down deep,
but Heaven forbid that should ever be mentioned.
If you ever got caught teary eyed you would make up some flimsy excuse
like you may have a cold coming on or something, for fear of not being considered masculine.
You Loved television, but you became so involved watching it,
that you became totally oblivious to your family and people around you, (God love you).
I used to get very frustrated with that situation.
However through the years I eventually understood that viewing television was a much needed escape mechanism for you Charles,
a way of coping with all the peer pressures, with your Pa, bosses, coworkers,
Along with pressures with family, bills, and myself at times.
When I first met you Charles I deliberately avoided you, but you never gave up on me.
I was very impressed, and liked your sheer determination.
I finally Allowed myself the chance to get to know you.
I saw in your most beautiful blue eyes the kindest, dearest person I had ever met.
Your eyes mirrored your soul, and totally captured my heart.
Your speech was the mirror of your mind, which revealed a very intelligent person.
We became good friends first, and when you felt safe enough with me, you told me about your child-hood.
I suddenly became filled with so much empathy for you, by comparing my wonderful, yet poor, childhood with yours.
Sadly enough the pressures that were put upon you as a child, carried on into our marriage,
and automatically created more problems for us to deal with.
You Were not old enough to marry me at twenty,
back then you had to be twenty-one to be at the age of consent.
We were so very much in love, but perhaps not quite ready for marriage?
I admired you so much my Charlie, I sort of placed you on a pedestal,
and made myself believe that there was nothing you could not do.
I remember one lovely summer evening when you picked me up for a date in your gray Chrysler,
and I Had just told my parents' that you had proposed to me.
They plainly stated to me that I could not marry you because of a difference of religion.
My heart just about broke completely. I was committed to my parents',
Committed to my love for God, and totally committed to you my love.
When I went down to meet you, I simply broke down and cried hysterically when I told you about our situation.
You held me so tenderly close to you, and stated that you would do whatever it took to marry me.
And so it came to pass you practiced my religion faithfully twice a week, and you were so dedicated to convert,
I don't think that I ever loved you more, for what you were doing for me, for us, then.
You touched my heart in a way no one ever did, or ever would.
And after our small simple wedding with just my Dad there to give me away and one bridesmaid,
and witness, my godparents, there was no one else, not even music.
As a matter you had just had your foot severely cut with an ax, and it was still in a cast,
lost your job with your Dad due to that, and your car as well.
I had to reassure you that I did not need an engagement ring to prove our love,
you always felt badly about that, but all I needed was you my love.
We just walked over after a few guests left our house to a nearby restaurant for a quiet dinner,
I remember it all so well December 29th, 1956, and the snow was falling softly.
We phoned for a taxi to take us to our little apartment that we had managed to rent,
two poor and out young kids so starry eyed, and so much in love.
Strangely enough as my Charles opened the door he walked in to turn on the radio,
and told me to wait by the door.
Almost as if it were planned, the D. J. Started to play our very special song "True Love" and we danced,
locked in each other's arms oblivious to anything, or anyone else on earth.
That was the most magical night for both of us, he was my very first experience, my very first true love.
I was so very dependent on you, so very naive, Unbeknown to me then, I added undue pressures on you as well.
You finally resumed your logging job with your Dad,
after we struggled on unemployment checks for over a year.
It was not easy because we now had a little Charles the third to care for,
and the money did not stretch too far.
Unfortunately, when you got through your long hard days working for your Dad,
you ran away, bolted to your friends house to play pool, have a few drinks,
just to keep sane I guess to raise your growing family.
Your father was really hard on you, And it rubbed off on all of us,
sadly enough, but you loved the children and I more than anything in the world.
I was too young and incapable to realize and cope with those times,
so we fought a lot more than we should have.
We went through a lot of hardships trying to raise five children, we were blessed with four daughters.
We got lost from each other for some time, but like a magnet our love was so very strong,
we were pulled back together, through meditation, faith, prayer And the strength of the Almighty!
Charles and I had a whole lot of growing up to do along with our children,
We also had to learn how to deal with the hard knocks in life.
We both believed that one might not take leave of this world until he had learned all the lessons meant to learn.
Charles defied death so many times; God was always by his side.
He was very stubborn and determined, and he never gave in to pain, nor would he ever think of quitting on anything.
As I mentioned earlier, he cut his toes practically off with an ax, got an ax in his knee, and shoulder,
got hit in the head with a steel crank, and was still on his feet,
got stabbed in his left arm, got beat on furiously, had an emergency appendectomy,
and had a heart attack at home in 1976.

In the year 1981, since we never had a big wedding,
my husband asked me to remarry him once again.
Most of our children were pretty much grown, two of them were married.
I had a bout with agoraphobia fear, of people, and leaving my home,
I had a very bad time dealing with those issues.
But Charles and I found a way to get around the problem.
We asked our pastor if he would be able to come to our beach home to renew our vows, it was lovely.
Charles wanted me to wear a bridal dress this time so I rented a long satin off-white Wedding gown.
All our five beautiful children took part in the ceremony, amongst family and friends.
We later were able to go to a hall for a reception our children had planned for us.
We shared cake, dancing, and a whole lot of love, and laughter, our new song now was
"May I Have This Dance For For the Rest of My Life".
I prayed the good Lord would help me to get through it, and He did.
Little did we know then Charles would not make old bones.
Charles still wanted me to have an engagement ring, but once again I put him off,
saying he could buy me one when we had been married fifty years.
My Charles came down with diabetes in 1985,
he had gained too much weight from what the Doctor said,
but he would never let me put him on a diet,
I had to trick him to get him to eat low fat food.
Last but not least Christmas of 1992,
Dr Fernandez announced that he had lung cancer,
which at first our family Physician thought was pneumonia.
The house never seemed so empty,
It was the first Christmas I was totally alone,
all our offspring's were married,
and I sat in front of the tree and cried hysterically asking why? Lord why?
That was the saddest Christmas for all of us.
Yet we all refused to give up, our faith and prayers' kept us all going, I had to remain strong for my husband,
cause The children were falling apart.
We prayed together for a miracle never wanting to give up hope.
He lost his hair, and got very ill, but he hung in there,
we had tremendous support from everyone that knew us.

In the summer of 1994 his oncologist told us that Charles could not have any more chemotherapy, Or radiation.
He amazed all the Doctors, to survive for so long.
Doctor Fernandez had given him six months tops,
he was shocked to see him once again in 1994.
Doctor Ervin told us all in the fall of 94,
that all we could do now was keep him comfortable.
But the Smith family was not ready to quit;
we took him to Boston in a van, all of us together,
to Beth Israel Hospital only to hear the same sad news.
My husband's eyes got watery and the Doctor hugged him and kissed his cheek
and told him he was so sorry.
That was the longest ride home ever, we were all fighting tears.
Charles and I started to pray harder than we had ever prayed before,
for the good Lord to keep him with us to celebrate our possibly last Christmas together with our family.
More than ever now, they were more special to Charlie,
as he clung dearly to precious life.
Also we were in hopes of sharing one last wedding anniversary on December 29,
and hoping to see the New Year in together.
Our prayers' were answered, on December 23,1994,
Charles was rushed to Maine Medical Center In Portland by ambulance.
We all went up to visit him once again fighting tears,
and wondering if he would be with us for one more Christmas,
it was weighing heavy on our minds.
My husband knew how much I always loved Christmas,
and how tragic it had become in 1962 when I lost my Dad Xmas Eve,
he knew in his heart how hard it would be for me to lose him,
and it would be even harder to deal with at Christmastime.
We had our last Christmas with Charles;
they brought him home via ambulance on December 25,
around 11 a. m. I quickly telephoned our children
at the hall we now rented to celebrate Christmas
since we had quite a few grand- children and needed a bigger place to celebrate.
Five days later we were able to celebrate our 38th.
Wedding anniversary, he was very weak but the children rented a private room in a Kennebunk, Maine, Restaurant
he could hardly eat or talk, he was in a wheelchair by now,
and he had fallen so many times.
Afterwards we returned to our daughter Linda's home
for a gathering of family and friends to say their goodbyes,
and they put on a tape for all of us to view about "This Is Your Life Charles & Laura".
There were not too many dry eyes in the room,
I could tell my husband was so pleased and touched by all of the love,
and fond memories, that our family put into preparing this memorable evening.
I t will remain in all of our heart forever and ever!

New Years Eve, Charles was rushed to Southern Maine Medical Center,
A nurse suggested that I could sleep on a cot she set up for me.
I stayed there right by his side for eleven saddest days of my life,
bonding with him as much as I could.
We had not had snow yet, so I prayed with him for some,
and it started to snow in the latter part of the evening.
Charles could not talk anymore, but one day when our son had come to visit him,
he was by his Dads' bedside, my husband sat up suddenly and said "
Sir I want you to meet my son, and he was talking to someone at the foot of the bed,
much to our amazement there was no one we could see there.
Charles did not want to die in the hospital,
the Doctor was amazed he was still hanging on after eleven days.
We had a meeting on January 11 in the a.m. and got everything set up
to transport him via ambulance to our daughters' house.
He had to have an oxygen tank,
and they had to set him up with a way to pump drugs into him as needed for pain.
We were fortunate my daughter was a C. N. A. and slept upstairs with her Dad and I to assist him as needed.
My son and I had bought him a lovely painting of a ship sailing on the ocean,
and he kept saying he was like the ship,
going to board it and sail far away forever.
So it was very important to him to look up on the wall and see the portrait of his ship on his arrival,
he couldn't hardly keep his eyes off it,
it gave him so much pleasure and peace somehow.
We had set up a monitor so my daughter could go tend
to her family in the downstairs section during the daytime.
She could hear me sing to him and talk to him all day,
I was able to feed him oatmeal for breakfast which he ate voraciously, and that pleased me.
But I had also learned to look for signs of deterioration from Hospice mottled skin, turning blue,
an playing with the corners of the sheet were all negative signs.
By midday my daughter came up and I bathed him for comfort
and later I cried when he would not eat his supper,
a nurse checked him and said his heart rate was dropping.
My daughter thought that he may like the cold feeling of iced freeze pops in his mouth,
to help his dry mouth, he absolutely ravished them I fed him slowly
and enjoyed that last experience wit him,
he had always enjoyed freeze pops so much.
We were told to get in touch with the children and grandchildren after awhile.
They all came over, we lit candles, and played Amazing Grace.
he voluntarily kissed me four times during that period.
The grandchildren came in one at a time to say farewell to their Grandfather
with tears in their eyes, then they withdrew.
The children and I sat in a semi-circle around his bed and sang sweet hymns to Charles,
we all held hands and also took turns singing some of our family favorites.
After awhile I felt as though I could not breathe properly so I laid down beside my sweet Charlie,
and kissed his dear lips goodbye as he took his last breath.
Once again the Lord answered our prayers in the most wonderful of ways,
we asked the Lord to let him go peacefully and
it's as though he just closed his eyes and went to sleep.
I was always afraid of seeing someone die, especially my dearest husband,
but he had the most beautiful passing, for having such a terrible disease.

"Footnote"
Charles was so strong, that took me by the hand to the funeral parlor to pick out his own casket.
Actually he loved blue, so he chose that for both of us if I agreed,
I could not refuse him anything at that point.
He also took me to the cemetery to choose a crypt,
so we could see where we would be lying together someday,
and because he knew it would be too hard for me to deal with after he was gone.
I Don't know where I found the strength to go through all of that without falling apart on my husband and children,
but I did not break down hysterically, until he took his last breath,
discounting the first time I heard of his illness.
I so wanted to be strong for him,
I'm sure that the Lord had a hand in it as well as my Charlie.
He taught me so much love and beauty, he showed me in so many different ways,
I understand more now what he saw when he looked at a sand dollar, a snail, a leaf,
a mighty oak tree, driftwood, even the smell of bark coming off a newly sawed tree.
He especially took so much pleasure in the ocean,
especially when the tide wafted in and out on humid nights,
we could smell the sweet aroma of the ocean through our open window.
He also loved to take a dip every evening in the ocean he said it revived his spirit.
My Charles used to say " I'm Not Dying Of Cancer, I'm Living With It".

P. S. The night that he passed away after they took his lifeless body away I broke down and cried uncontrollably,
and I laid my body down on the bed that he died on and fell asleep with my daughter in the bed besides me.
Later that evening she woke me thinking I was crying again,
but I was filled with total joy, because I was dreaming of Charlie,
we were both young, and he was chasing me through the woods,
like he used to when he would work for his Dad.
I remembered the dream vividly, I was throwing leaves up at him and I stumbled on a log and he caught me,
and we fell over together laughing profusely.
I knew then that he had come to tell me he was fine,
and that he would always be with me in spirit.
He has always been there for me in every way possible.
My daughter gave me a touch lamp to lift my mood,
and whenever I was very down and I would talk to him and question the Lord,
My lamp would light up for me it had three positions, low, medium, and high,
and I stayed alone in that upstairs apartment where he died.
Yet I knew I was never without him,
he visited me for Easter which was another special holiday for all of us,
on numerous Christmas occasions and just when I got very depressed.
Farewell my dearest love,
I'm so grateful to you Lord for letting me get to know and love Charlie for forty years .
And I'm so grateful to you Charles for sharing your precious life with me
and for giving me five beautiful off springs.
You will live forever through all of them,
I see little bits of you in all of them,
and your grandchildren, you would be so proud of all of them,
I know you are looking down on us all.
Someday I will be with you for all of Eternity!

Your beloved wife Laura.

Until we meet and never part, I'll hold you closely in my heart!!!!!

Written January 14,1995!